And God spake all these words from his Hummer, saying...

The Vatican released the Drivers' Ten Commandments today. I guess they figured after the incredible success of the first list of commandments, a sequel was necessary. And so, a few millennia later we get this long (very long) awaited follow-up to the basis of all morality in the history of the world. Let's examine:

Drivers' Ten Commandments

1. You shall not kill

It seems that god's ego has dipped a bit since the original list as the first one isn't all about him. Nope, we get a classic in a new position. Take it Casey: Moving up from the number 5 spot to the top of the list is the remake of the old classic 'Thou shalt not kill' with a more modern lexicon.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

a.k.a. You shall not kill. We are only on the second one and it is already repetitive. You know you don't have to make a list of ten just because the first was that length. Brevity is the soul of wit (I worked in a reference to the soul just as the Vatican worked in a subtle reference to a blessed sacrament... The road shall be for you a means of Matrimony between people. No? How about: Baptism between people? Anointing of the Sick between people? ... )

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

... in bed. I've read this one before-- Following a meal of sesame chicken, it came in a cookie. Apparently, The Vatican has had enough of commandments and now looks to Confucius for some advice. Seriously, you don't have to have 10.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

And thus continues god's obsession with your neighbor. God forbid (literally) if you help someone who doesn't live near you. Especially since in this context you will be driving all over the place, what are the odds you'll see a neighbor in need out there?

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

Of course not! Cars aren't an expression of power and domination... they are an expression of penis size. So it has always been and always will be. Cars are an expression of penis size, and an occasion of sin (if you are lucky).

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

Perhaps when you write the commandments in Italian (or Latin or Hebrew or Aramaic or in tongues) you shouldn't just run them through Babelfish to get the English version. Although how cool of an option would that be: English to tongues.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

Yeah, we really, really want 10 of these so instead of just tack this one on the end of #4 where it belongs we'll just make another one. Almost there! We just need to think of three more...

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show...

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

Animals on the road are the most vulnerable party. Oh how the priorities of the Catholic church has changed. Screw grandma in her Mini, Watch out for that squirrel!

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Yes, I often feel responsible when the douche in front of me doesn't signal and cuts me off. You're right, it's my fault. I should go self-flagellate.

Well, there you have it, another masterpiece in morality. Come back in another few thousand years when we'll get "The Ten Commandments 3: At World's End". Read about it in Revelation.