As annoying as someone talking on their cell phone while in the bathroom stall, it is twice as bad to text or email someone. At least in the case of the cell call you can flush so that the person on the line realizes that they are conversing with someone taking a dump. But with the text/email case there is nothing you can do listen to the clickety-clack of the keys. There is no interference you can run-- you are as helpless as someone with their pants around their ankles should be.
To the people that think they must communicate with everyone every second of the day, you're not that important. The world will survive without hearing your opinions during your afternoon constitutional. When you are defecating, that is time to take just for yourself. No one wants to share that moment with you. So just relax... it will go quicker that way.
I know people get excited when your sports team wins, but stop sharing the results in Twitter and Facebook statuses (or even worse the play by play). Not all of us watch the games live and don't want the know the results. Some people aren't home when the games are on and others like to watch them delayed to skip the stupid commercials. How about a spoiler tag? I guess those are just another couple of websites to add to the "do not check" list until the game is watched.
While out a coffee shop with a friend, we were talking about family. They mentioned they had two relatives named John who were very tall. I, making a bad joke, asked if they were called "Little John".
Not more than a couple of minutes later, a group of people who had sat down and shared our table got a few desserts delivered. Jokingly, they told us not to try and take any. One of them said, "I will protect them like Little John on the bridge" and mimed holding a quarterstaff.
My friend and I laughed heartily not so much at the joke but at the weirdly coincidental mentions of Little John. I haven't made or heard a reference to anything Sherwood Forest related in years so the juxtaposition was eerie. Robin Hood and his Merry Men must be cool again (or maybe it is just the attitude that stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is popular in this economic climate).
Showing posts with label quick hits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quick hits. Show all posts
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Quick Hits II
I was at Barnes and Noble looking through the CDs and came across the soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar, the original London cast version of the 40 varieties available. It is a very expensive soundtrack even when compared to the other versions but I wanted to get it for a while so I took it up to the cashier. As she rang it up, she looked at the price and asked, "Damn! Does Jesus come with this?"
Later while back at my apartment, I attempted to open that same CD. It was sealed as if a relic was inside it and I released a stream of profanities, curses, and, most emphatically, 2nd-commandment-breakers. Then when trying to separate the CD from the case a second round of the same. I was wondered how many people used 2/3 of the title of the CD as exclamation while trying to enjoy the music. Sacrilicious.
On a recent episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen broke out his sweetness (that is, his gun). It looked suspiciously familiar to me. I had written a sketch that involved a gun and in order to create the prop I bought a cheap plastic gun from a costume store. This being NYC, they aren't allowed to sell realistic looking guns, so, while the shape looks like an actual gun, the color is in headache-inducing neon pink and green. I applied black spray paint liberally to cover the garish original color and I had a passable gun... and a doppelganger to Stephen's sweetness (you can even see the plastic bit covering the muzzle). Where is the truthiness Stephen, where?
Later while back at my apartment, I attempted to open that same CD. It was sealed as if a relic was inside it and I released a stream of profanities, curses, and, most emphatically, 2nd-commandment-breakers. Then when trying to separate the CD from the case a second round of the same. I was wondered how many people used 2/3 of the title of the CD as exclamation while trying to enjoy the music. Sacrilicious.
On a recent episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen broke out his sweetness (that is, his gun). It looked suspiciously familiar to me. I had written a sketch that involved a gun and in order to create the prop I bought a cheap plastic gun from a costume store. This being NYC, they aren't allowed to sell realistic looking guns, so, while the shape looks like an actual gun, the color is in headache-inducing neon pink and green. I applied black spray paint liberally to cover the garish original color and I had a passable gun... and a doppelganger to Stephen's sweetness (you can even see the plastic bit covering the muzzle). Where is the truthiness Stephen, where?
Friday, August 3, 2007
Quick Hits
After downing two sodas and a glass of water, I had to pee. I went down to the restaurant's bathroom to do just that. The bathroom was so small I had a hard time fitting in (and while I've gained a couple of pounds recently-- now tipping the scales at a relative hefty 153-- I am not large at all). As I was going about my business, something landed on the back of my neck and I reacted with one of those full body spasms, which normally isn't that bad but while one is peeing it is best not to do that. Needless to say, I wasn't able to "stay within the lines" and, since the bathroom was so small, managed to hit three walls in a beautiful arc of urine. The mosquito that landed on my was humongous so I don't feel bad about the freak out. Plus I did get a good laugh out of it-- timing is everything in comedy and that mosquito is a natural.
I was on the 6 train on the way home from the above restaurant. Across from me sat a man reading a book. He was falling asleep doing the classic head bob and was out in a few seconds. But amazingly the book stayed in the exact same position-- all the time as his head sunk lower and lower. A woman standing next to him thought this was hilarious and pointed it out to her traveling companions (I must admit it was pretty funny). The best part was when she said, in a reverent tone, "He's got the perfect hold, doesn't he?" as if holding a book perfectly still while sleeping was one of her life goals and she was jealous that he had done it before her.
When the train stopped he jerked awake (although again amazingly his hands and the book never moved at all) and proceeded to attempt to continue reading where he left off. As soon as the train started moving he was out again. His head bobbed up and down but his book never wavered an inch the entire time... its the pointless things that impress me.
The woman from the last story, after standing for a few stops, moved towards a newly vacated seat. The person that was sitting there, not noticing that someone was moving towards the empty seat, did the natural spread out maneuver so as to not be squished when not necessary. She did not appreciate the move and yelled, "Mexican, move over!" at the man sitting there. The Mexican obliged with contemptuous glare and the woman collapsed in the seat while complaining about her hard day and how Mexicans shouldn't be stealing her seat. Where has common courtesy gone? She really should have said, "Mexican, move over please."
I found a roach in my apartment, that greatest of all "Welcome to New York"s. I grabbed the nearest spray bottled and attacked-- Lemon Pledge did nothing to it. I took another and tried again. The roach went insane, spasming and flopping around, and died in about 4 seconds. I looked in my hand-- Simply Green. Yes, the cleaner that is "non-toxic, biodegradable, environmentally safer" and "safer around your children and your pets" totally fucks up the only animal that can survive a nuclear blast.
I was on the 6 train on the way home from the above restaurant. Across from me sat a man reading a book. He was falling asleep doing the classic head bob and was out in a few seconds. But amazingly the book stayed in the exact same position-- all the time as his head sunk lower and lower. A woman standing next to him thought this was hilarious and pointed it out to her traveling companions (I must admit it was pretty funny). The best part was when she said, in a reverent tone, "He's got the perfect hold, doesn't he?" as if holding a book perfectly still while sleeping was one of her life goals and she was jealous that he had done it before her.
When the train stopped he jerked awake (although again amazingly his hands and the book never moved at all) and proceeded to attempt to continue reading where he left off. As soon as the train started moving he was out again. His head bobbed up and down but his book never wavered an inch the entire time... its the pointless things that impress me.
The woman from the last story, after standing for a few stops, moved towards a newly vacated seat. The person that was sitting there, not noticing that someone was moving towards the empty seat, did the natural spread out maneuver so as to not be squished when not necessary. She did not appreciate the move and yelled, "Mexican, move over!" at the man sitting there. The Mexican obliged with contemptuous glare and the woman collapsed in the seat while complaining about her hard day and how Mexicans shouldn't be stealing her seat. Where has common courtesy gone? She really should have said, "Mexican, move over please."
I found a roach in my apartment, that greatest of all "Welcome to New York"s. I grabbed the nearest spray bottled and attacked-- Lemon Pledge did nothing to it. I took another and tried again. The roach went insane, spasming and flopping around, and died in about 4 seconds. I looked in my hand-- Simply Green. Yes, the cleaner that is "non-toxic, biodegradable, environmentally safer" and "safer around your children and your pets" totally fucks up the only animal that can survive a nuclear blast.
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